GRAVE'S END

“What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response (book) were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it…may God have mercy on your soul.” This quote, one of my favorites from the movie Billy Madison, sums up what I thought of the book. However, let me begin this famous blog with some positives. It was short, and it was one of the quickest reads of my life. Additionally, although I hated nearly every page, I couldn’t put it down. It was so stupid, I couldn’t wait to read what followed next. In essence, it was a page turner, albeit for the wrong reasons, but one, nonetheless.

Another positive aspect was Elaine’s relationship with her daughters. This may seem a bit out of left field, considering most people fear my hardcore exterior, however, underneath my rough-and-tumble appearance, I’m a softy at heart. It was an emotional roller-coaster watching her kids grow up so quickly and leave the home in the pages of this monsterpiece. It truly did make me appreciate my kids and want to be in the moment with my own kids. Having said that, I think this mother should be locked up for child neglect, who would keep their kid in a house that was terrorizing their child? Her justifications were so repetitive and annoying. And worst of all, it was happening to her too, yet she didn’t believe her daughter

            Okay, that’s absolutely the only positive things I can say about this book, because it was terrible. Unlike Amityville Horror, I didn’t do any research on whether or not this thing has been debunked, mainly because it was an inconsequential haunting.

            Gerbil cages, farts, cloudy rodents, lights, noises, copy machines, an old lady grabbing breasts, a man stroking thigh…time out…I thought the book was a romance novel for a second.

            The big winner in this book was Elaine’s ex-husband for escaping the house, but most of all, her! The main problem I had with this story was I couldn’t relate to her problems. Stories at a basic level are “Stimulus and Response”, over and over again, until it ends. Her reactions (responses) to the ghosts (stimulus) were out of whack. She attempts to rationalize what she did after many of the events, but her explanations don’t add up. If my kid starts withdrawing from the family, sits on his bed with rosary beads, complains of being terrorized at night, has cages and other objects smack into his head, we’re getting the F%*K out of our house!

            There are two explanations for this book:

1.      The whole thing was just a figurative way for Elaine to express how messed up life can be. The hauntings weren’t real, but a metaphor on the turbulent nature of raising kids in a troubled marriage.

2.      Elaine is an unstable attention seeker, who loves to tell crappy, embellished stories. She attends community events, usually set up at universities, with paranormal speakers. After the talk, she stands in line with other unstables, just to tell the speaker what she’s gone through herself, then goes home and drowns herself in wine and self-pitty.

The bottom line: This book sucked…but in a strange way, I’m thankful I read it. Sometimes we just need something to complain about.